It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
