just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
