I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
