But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
