every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
