"it" just moved
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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