You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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