if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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