Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
