she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
