Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
