my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
