Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
