watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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