rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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