You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
