so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
