I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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