i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
