After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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