When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
