I smell stomach acid.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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