I wish you could order shots online.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
