found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
