I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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