There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
