Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
the raccoons are back...
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