I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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