if only i could text you this smell
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
