no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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