i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I need moral support for this bender
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
