I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
