He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
