His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
