What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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