Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
