After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
