My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
