Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
