There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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