i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
