he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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