I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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