Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
