porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
