I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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