Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
