you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
