My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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