so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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