turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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