Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
