He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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